Spell Broken

I still cannot let go
of my love for her.

The pull remains,
deep beneath thought,
beyond reason.

No matter how hard I try to untangle it,
I cannot break the spell.
And perhaps that is because it was never meant to be broken.

Maybe, just maybe, the higher source knows
more than my restless mind ever could.

Maybe it locked my heart so completely
that no other hand could pick it open,
no other voice could decipher its code.

Maybe nobody else was ever meant to unlock me...
except her soul.

She carries the key.
The code.
The quiet understanding
that allows me
to open
to open to the love I have always needed,
the feeling
the feeling I have always searched for,
the part
the part of myself I had hidden away for so long...

Maybe.
Just maybe... 

And what is the purpose?

The distance...
The silence...
The alone time...

I needed the journey.
To journey... 
I needed to walk
to walk into the shadows on my own
and
sit with them,
sit with the ones that caused so much pain...

I thought
I was searching...
searching for answers about her,
but in truth...
I can't do that work... 
Instead I was finding...
Finding the answers about myself.

Not
because I loved too much,
but
because I feared love too much.

I feared surrender.
I feared vulnerability.
I feared giving myself fully to something that could hurt me to my core.

I see it now...
I see it differently. 

I step forward...
Forward without guarantees.

I open my heart knowing...
Knowing it can be broken.

I choose connection... 
Connection even when certainty doesn't exist...

Even if it hurts.
Even if it fails.
Even if the ending is not the one we imagined...

Because
that is what I want to do...
To have the courage...
The courage to dive into the dark.

And through it all...
She has remained.
Not perfect.
Not without wounds.
But present.
Still here.
Still woven into the story.

And when I look at everything we have been through...
I see:

Truth.

Love.

Strength.

And for the first time,
I am no longer afraid
of what that might mean...
​ ​
With or without her.