Matched Chaos

This hurts...
I know that we both 
wanted the same thing. 
Peace. 
Calm. 
The chance for our nervous systems 
to finally unravel and rest.
But when the triggers fired, 
we weren’t reading from the same book.
When I was activated, 
I leaned in. 
I tried to protect the connection, 
to hold the space, 
to keep the ground from 
giving way. 
When they were activated, 
They stepped back. 
And tried to regulate on their own, 
to find air where they could 
still breathe...
The same trigger 
split into 
two opposite 
realities.
I felt chaos, 
the sense of 
everything slipping out of my hands.
She felt suffocation, 
the walls closing in, 
and the need to escape 
just to survive...
It was never about effort 
or 
lack of love. 
It was survival instincts
colliding. 
Two coping mechanisms, 
each understandable
on their own, 
but destructive when 
locked together.
I see it now. 
Told I had to change, 
and I believed I did. 
But I was walking forward
carrying the weight 
alone, 
and
that loneliness slowly crushed me. 
Growth and effort... 
When they are reciprocated 
and aligned, 
they don’t feel like strain. 
They don’t feel heavy. 
What brought me down wasn’t 
the work itself. 
I was doing it...
But without their awareness 
to grow and play their part, 
reveals a realization
that softens
something
deep inside me.
I wasn’t asking them to suffer for love.
I was asking them to help
co create
safety for us.
And
they weren’t
rejecting love.
They were suffocating,
trying desperately
to breathe,
and stay in this
the only way they knew.
No one was wrong.
Just two people,
each protecting their
own nervous systems...
The only way we knew,
caught in a dance
where the steps
never quite matched
​for very long.